Life, Once Again!

“You do realize just who makes it hard to meet up, right?”

Maru looked at Jichan, who feigned ignorance. From what he heard, Jichan was busy holding overseas fan meetups and exclusive concerts, participating in movie shoots, and even preparing a mini album.

“Hyung, I gotta say, you have great stamina. I saw your schedule and it should be enough to send someone to the grave.”

“I should earn while I still can. This year might be my last year as an idol after all. I will continue to do music, but I don’t think it’ll be possible to do tight choreography like I’m doing with the others right now. That was why the domestic concert schedule was so tightly scheduled.”

“But your group doesn’t run into accidents or controversies.”

“We’re so busy that we don’t have time to fight. Also, we’re all doing one thing that we want to do, so we don’t clash either. Then there’s the fact that we’ve gotten old enough to not fight over trivial stuff like that.”

“You’re gonna be thirty in a couple years, huh?”

“I’m still twenty-seven, in real age.”

Jichan took out an envelope from his inner pocket. Maru received it before asking,

“What’s this?”

“An invitation to my concert. It’s an S-class seat. It should be really expensive, you know? It’s being sold at a premium I think.”

“You gave it to me so that I can resell it on the internet, right?”

Jichan twitched his eyes before reaching out demanding it back. Maru quickly put the envelope away into his pocket.

“Make some time to come. We prepared a lot this time. I’m sure it’ll be fun.”

“I’ll definitely make the time to go.”

“Now then, where are the rest of them? They’re way too punctual in keeping Korean time,[1]” Jichan said as he looked at the time.

Their original appointment was supposed to be at 7, but only he and Jichan were the ones present despite the fact that 20 minutes had passed since the appointed time.

“Seungah said she’s coming after work, and Dawoon says she’ll be slightly late because her shoot got delayed.”

“Looks like I can’t say anything, huh? It was me who asked to meet at this time. But I really felt like I couldn’t make any time other than today.”

“I’m pretty free, so I can meet up any time.”

“That’s why I like you. I can call you whenever I feel bored, right?”

Jichan took out his phone while speaking. He seemed to be exchanging messages with someone.

“Right, you know that Nayeon’s coming, right?”

“Miss Choi Nayeon? I did hear about it. Apparently, she’s on close terms with Dawoon and will be joining us today.”

“She’s a good kid, but you might be taken aback because she doesn’t hold back when she speaks. Keep that in mind.” Jichan put down his phone. “Also, I heard you finished your movie shoot, right?”

“Yes, I finished shooting my part a while ago.”

“When will it be released?”

“There’s still the post-processing left to do, as well as securing theaters, so even if everything goes absurdly fast, it’ll be at the end of the year or early next year, I think. But the thing about movies is that they might get delayed if there are competing works being released around the same time slot, so I don’t really know what will happen. I heard that the age rating was 15.”

The waiter brought chicken karaage and a bottle of beer. They decided to drink lightly while waiting for others to arrive.

“How do you think you’ll feel if you hit ten million ticket sales?”

“I’ll probably not get enough sleep. I’ll probably toss around in bed and get out my phone to look it up again and again.”

“Tell me honestly. How many times do you look up your name on the internet?”

“Me? I don’t think I did that in the past few months.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Whenever I have work or whenever what I did goes on air, I do look it up from time to time to see the responses, but I don’t usually do it.”

In one previous life, which he could only remember the fragments of, he looked up Han Maru more than a dozen times in the span of a single day.

There were times when he looked them up nervously by himself at home even after telling others that he didn’t care about it. How high is my name worth? How controversial am I? Are people looking for me? – these kinds of questions.

“I found out that it’s much better for my mental health to let go of things that are meaningless to do. It’s not like the people who curse at me will change just because I look my name up,” Maru smiled.

“I know that, but it doesn’t really happen that way. Do you know about attention seekers? I saw this word on the internet, and I think it expresses people like us quite well.”

“The thing is, we have a job that will be in a precarious position if we don’t have attention. It’s just like politicians. We want to be in the mouths of the people regardless of what it is.”

Jichan forked a piece of karaage and spoke,

“I get scared from time to time even now, thinking that people will suddenly stop recognizing me one day. Funny, right? One part of me wants them to pretend to not know me, but the part that wants them to recognize me is even bigger.”

“For someone like you, I think people will recognize you until the day you enter your grave.”

“That’s a little too much. I wish they will look for me until I’m about sixty. After that, I’ll enjoy the rest of my life in leisure.”

“Who knows, you might want attention even after you’re sixty.”

“Is that so? Well, maybe. Like you said, I’m sure I’ll want attention and will miss the stage. It’s an exhilarating experience after all, right? At least, in the life I’ve lived, there was nothing more pleasurable than being applauded on stage and receiving everyone’s wholehearted attention. No amount of tasty food nor amount of comfortable sleep at a luxurious hotel can be compared to the massive cheers after a performance.”

“That’s why people can never escape something once they taste how good it is. You know what people say, that the limits of pleasure will never become low. At first, one candy is all that’s needed to satisfy you, but once you get a taste of that, one will not be enough. You’ll look for two, then three, then when you’re fed up with it, you’ll look for something else.”

The pleasure of being applauded after a passionate performance was something inexplicable with words. There was no sense of loss at all, and it felt like having the entire world to oneself.

Once the blinding lights were turned off and the audience seats shrouded in darkness were revealed, showing their bright faces, celebrities would feel exhilarated and would laugh and cry.

The ultimate pleasure, peak delight, extreme satisfaction.

It was because of those moments when the brain felt like it was being drenched in dopamine that people were able to endure agonizing practice sessions and extremely long preparation periods.

“That’s why the sense of emptiness that assaults me after a performance is unspeakably terrifying. When I was a trainee, I could never understand why my seniors would do drugs. They would be risking everything they’ve achieved until now, so why would they do something dangerous like that? I thought that they were pathetic. But now I understand. It’s because the sense of emptiness is scary. It’s because they despise life where nothing they do is entertaining for them that they reach out for things like that.”

Jichan put on a bitter smile. Maru took a bite of the karaage and spoke,

“So you’re going to do drugs too?”

“Are you crazy? Hell no.”

“Right, don’t do it. Don’t sympathize with them either. I get what you’re saying, but ultimately, it’s all a form of escapism, and it’s just worded in a neat way.”

“That’s true. If I had to do drugs to drive away my emptiness, I’d rather do a street performance instead.”

After they had a light toast, the door opened and Seungah came in.

“What the heck? Why have you started already?”

“That’s not what someone who’s late to the party should say.”

“Jichan-oppa, I’m the president of this meeting, you know? You can’t start without my permission.”

“I’ll pour you one so please sit down, president.”

Seungah smiled and sat on the opposite side. Maru took out the cutleries and hand wipes for her.

“How’s the part-time job?” Maru asked.

Like many aspiring actors, Seungah started doing a job alongside her career.

“It’s okay other than the fact that I have to stay standing the whole day. I didn’t have any unpleasant customers today either.”

“Sounds like a lot of hard work.”

Jichan poured some beer for Seungah.

“But there were really a lot of Chinese people. More than half of the visitors at the department store were Chinese. Apparently, it’s a trend there to come to Korea for shopping.”

“The Chinese market is massive,” Maru said, thinking about the not-so-distant future.

Even among his numerous lives, China’s growth rate had never wavered.

This life should go in a similar fashion. The cultural business should also receive a lot of influence from China.

“Did the matters with the agency get resolved?”

“It’s up in the air. For me, I didn’t really receive that much damage, and I even received some money, so I don’t have a problem with it, but it seems like the people who signed a contract for commercials are in a complicated position.”

The agency was disbanded overnight, and the CEO, who held all the contract deposits, had run away. This was also a rather common story. Fortunately, Seungah didn’t seem to have received much damage.

“In that sense, I’m envious of JA. In terms of corporations, JA is a big company with a solid foundation, isn’t it?” Seungah said.

“You know what’s scary about big corporations? It’s that they remove your desk if you don’t have any achievements.”

“That’s true. How did your movie go?”

It was a question he was asked every time he met someone. Maru responded with a nod instead.

“I also wanna do acting. Not just part-time jobs as background.”

“Should I pull some strings?”

Hearing Jichan’s words, Seungah immediately shook her head.

“If I heard that from anyone else, I would’ve taken it as a joke, but I’m scared when you say it because you might actually do something. I’ll win everything with my own skills through an audition, so just tell me whenever you hear of an audition happening.”

Maru spoke after Seungah,

“Hyung. I really like pulling strings. If there’s an occasion, please don’t hesitate to tell me.”

“With you, I don’t want to do it. I feel like you’re going to steal my position away from me.”

While they were laughing and chatting, Dawoon and Nayeon called and said that they had arrived. Not too long later, the two of them came into the room.

“Hello,” Choi Nayeon greeted.

“Pretending to be polite, huh.” Jichan received it with a smile.

The two seemed to be on close terms.

Maru looked at Dawoon, who followed her in. When they made eye contact, Dawoon carefully averted her gaze.

Today, he had decided to wrap things up completely, so he would bring the topic up after seeing how things go. He should have drawn a clear line at the last shoot, yet was she ignoring that? Or did she not realize?

Whatever the case may be, he would make sure to bring about a conclusion today.

It was when Nayeon walked past Seungah that he saw her suddenly push Seungah. Seungah dropped her fork on her pants.

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t see properly because it was dark. Are you okay? Are your clothes dirty?”

“Oh, it’s okay. I got some on my clothes, but don’t worry about it. These are casual clothes anyway.”

“I’m glad.”

Maru looked at Nayeon as he sipped some beer.

Did he see it wrong? Just now, he felt like Nayeon intentionally bumped Seungah, as though to bully her.

“You should really be more careful. You really have no caution,” Jichan said.

“Oppa, I haven’t seen you in a long time and you’re nagging me already? It’s no wonder that you don’t have a girlfriend.”

“I don’t have the time.”

“Like hell you don’t. Oh, and you must be Mr. Han Maru, right?”

Nayeon reached her hand out. It was interesting that she was asking for a handshake on an occasion like this. He smiled and grabbed her hand.

“Yes, I’m Han Maru.”

“I heard a lot about you from Dawoon. She says you’re a good person.”

“Really? I’m glad she didn’t say bad things about me.”

“You look like a good person just as I heard. Oppa, switch places with me. We already know each other. I’ll talk to Mr. Maru. Dawoon, you sit here too.”

Nayeon changed everyone’s seats the moment she arrived.

Jichan looked at Seungah.

“Hey, you should introduce yourself to our president.”

“President? You mean Miss Seungah? I heard a lot about you too from Dawoon. Hm, you don’t really have a great impression.”

When she said that, Dawoon spoke from the side,

“Unni!”

“I was joking. Miss Seungah. I hope we get along. I heard that you look after Dawoon a lot, right? I do too. Let’s get along as fellow caretakers.”

“Yes, okay.”

Maru picked up his glass as he looked at the faces of the two people. He felt like this was going to be an uncomfortable place.

[1] There’s a meme in Korea where close friends will never turn up at the appointed time and will always be slightly late, which was later dubbed the ‘Korean time’.